When I loved I saw my lover (ML) as my extension. When I was busy ML was not the priority. When ML failed to do things efficiently I just took over and did myself. I handled everything so everything was the way I wanted it to be. I had no room for allowing ML to make mistakes. I was not flexible, I was not willing to relax and follow.
I married my first love at a very young age. Within three years both I and my ex-spouse (MES) showed signs of deep unhappiness. I could not grasp why I was failing to make MES happy but at least I was able to see that it was in MES' best interest for the relationship to dissolve (I actually was convinced that I was doing this more for him than me, but that just is not true. MES was not providing any narcissistic supply, not-working/not-loving but keeping on expecting, becoming parasitic). I could not, however, do that until I stayed in the relationship three more years and let MES start insulting me, hurting me over and over again, till I had no love remaining, till my idealization was over, and till I was dead sure I was better off without MES and MES was not worth my precious ever-giving (?) love.
I did see a therapist after my divorce. Having heard it all from my point the therapist told me I made the right decision and saw no need to continue our meetings after only three visits. The therapist failed to see or hint to any possibility of narcissism in me, or challenge me in some ways to at least start some questioning of myself to fix some deeply rooted expectations. Had he done his job then I probably would have started another marriage by now. Instead, I still am trying to come to some grips with how is it even possible for me to take another shot at a union.
At the time of divorce I decided to never get married again. I thought others would always eventually be unhappy around me because I was physically, mentally, spiritually superior. I saw no fault in me.
My attitude remained the same in the following two relationships but the duration of the relationships started getting shorter, because I was realizing the initial rush was good and intimacy was hard and pretty much invaluable. Second relationship was five years and the third two years. I was constantly in a giving mode (in my mind), but in the effort taking all control, all confidence away from my lovers. Not letting MLs love me freely. I was not receiving love, I was shut off, not listening, too busy trying to control the relationships. I am so ashamed. I was more into 'my relationship' than 'my lover.'
After the third I decided they all would eventually be filled with envy and start hurting me, and I would need to dump them and hurt them in the process. So, to protect the good people from this process I started choosing people who had no interest in a long term relationship. I also started getting out of these relationships as soon as the lust started to dissipate, as soon as I got bored, or as soon as their sexuality started diminishing. In this sort of decision making process I ended up getting associated with people who had sociopathic traits. Dumping them never made me feel guilty, I saw them as noncaring people, and I enjoyed the hard work both romantically and sexually a sociopath puts into a relationship. Here I use the term sociopath somewhat losely, pretty much anyone who had some expectations and were approaching with a gaming attitude, some glib person, some charmer.
All my sexual interactions went in forms of idealization followed by devaluation shortly after they started, and over time they got shorter and shorter, leading to none. I have had no relationship in the last two years. I was shut off with the way I dress and with the amount of time I spend indoors, trying to understand how it all got so out of whack. I now feel I am ready to come out in the world and see human beings (including me) with a more accepting eye and as source of truth as opposed to my narcissistic supply.
I want to live a life of wisdom and true love, a life of give and take, a life of protecting myself but not at the expense of hurting others emotionally and not by adjusting my distance. I do feel a deep sense of love for humanity, fauna, and flora. Until I figure out a way how to love without any fear of abandonment, without any fear of hurt I will remain celibate.
I realize the only way to truly learn this is to practice it with my parents and siblings, and I intend to do so. From now on I will interact with them truthfully and with kindness, or with confrontation if that's what the truth requires, particularly because ours is one of a narcissistic family.
I'm liking your blog. Very interesting to me. Thanks.
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