Sometimes it is as if I want to scream and beg to people to try to make me understand. It's as if they are not in touch with themselves enough to express their point, no insight on their part.
But, then I look at myself, and realize I am such a big puzzle myself and how could they understand me when I am working so hard to understand myself. I let go of all need to be understood, or for them to empathize with me.
The need to understand everything may actually be my biggest enemy. I should ease up on excessive thinking.
My mind is hungry all the time. It is like The Little Shop of Horrors in there, my brain is getting bigger and bigger at the expense of my heart. I have given so much weight, importance, priority to my mind that I have left my poor heart (and others') broken in the process. In my efforts to create brain connections my heart has completely failed to make a connection, and then I have disqualified the relationships knowing my heart is not connected. Another disqualifier was 'I'm not learning anything from this person.' As they say the teacher shows up when the student is ready, I guess I was never ready as a student but always present as a teacher. Ouch. Who likes preachers and teachers in real life!
I woke up with a slight sense of anxiety, little palpitations in my heart, and finally I realized why this happens to me for no good reason. My heart's peace is broken, because my heart knows that perpetual thinking of the day is about to start. (added in Dec 2011, it has been a long time since this stopped happening, I wake up with complete peace now).
Once with a date walking on the beach I was told 'please stop thinking, I can hear your mind working.' That was a somatic narcissist speaking to me, me being the relatively intelligent one in my perception. My date was the most attractive of all my dates but I could not see where this relationship could possibly go and my heart and brain were closed to him.
I heard what was said but I enjoyed hearing it knowing my heart was closed to my date anyway, my interest was only physical and only there because we had met while both of us were on vacation. This date would not have taken place had we been living in the same town. My friends used to joke that the number one rule for dating for me was to be on vacation, sure there is some truth in there, but I really wish to have a long term relationship now.
Watched some Buddhist monks last night. Lately I seem to be preferring movies about mind control and how human body works. Anyhow, the monks were effective at stopping their brain from thinking, and just living and experiencing the moment by simply (funny to say this knowing how tough it is) keeping all their focus on breathing. A bit too passive for my taste but I want to give that a shot. These will be the moments I take control of my brain, starve it momentarily and feed my heart. Train my brain to stay on the happy sphere.
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