The literature says it is very hard to accept that you are a narcissist. I have not been diagnosed with NPD-narcissistic personality disorder by a professional. I do, however, see significant narcissist traits in myself. I took the Personality Disorder test at SimilarMinds.com, and I've scored at 62% on each of the following traits: narcissistic, antisocial, and schizoid, compared to the average test scores of 41%, 47%, and 53%, respectively. Schizoid is not really something that I need to correct, that is a nonissue for me. It is that antisocial and narcissistic sides of mine that are actually very well-masked that are giving me cause to fail some of my interactions that take away from my own general well-being. I intend to eliminate my narcissistic traits, or at least better mask them when around people whom I don't like.
I tested significantly lower than the general test takers in paranoid (30% as opposed to their $49%), in borderline (18% as opposed to 47%), and dependent (14% as opposed to 37%). Because I have pretty much no fear my narcissistic tendencies tend to crash people who are less than acceptable under my expectations from humanity (pathological liars, stupid and yet arrogant people, evil personalities, etc.) I sometimes (well, pretty often) treat such people very badly only because they impacted other folks negatively and had no dent in my life. In this sort of unnecessary hero-esque attitude I actually cause self-damage, which is not rational if we are to assume I should put myself ahead of humanity. I have been a narcissistic watch dog for humanity and I have cut myself and other human beings short in the process. I now want to change that, and only way to do it is to learn to become selfish, or replace the number one as the self as opposed to the imaginary self, or the humane ideal. Once I can do that, I have the feeling I can project the same sort of caring to other human beings, especially those who can do something for me.
I am committed to die as my best self one day. This involves continuously improving, making my life and my loved ones' lives better not only in a practical sense but also in a spiritual, truth seeking sense, but this also involves gathering enough earthly goodies along the process.
The literature says that a narcissist does not want to change, happy to remain as self. Maybe I am a high functioning narcissist; I do want to change. I do want to nurture my soul steadily in the best ways possible. Maybe this is the way I get my highest narcissistic supply, becoming the best available to my SELF.
While it is important to set a vision it is even more important to set ways of achieving that vision and even more importantly staying committed to that vision. I will keep doing little things to serve my vision every day, and will keep posting them. If I can only inspire one more person to join me on this path of becoming a better person for the self (and yes, for also humanity) I'll be happy.
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