Someone who recently wrote a book on psychopaths and the psychiatric health care industry says he started seeing everyone like a sociopath when he first started paying attention to this disorder. Indeed there are sociopathic traits in all of us in some dose.
When I first started reading about sociopaths not only I saw sociopaths in everyone, I also started questioning my own sociopathic sides and developed a minor case of paranoia about my friends. Anyone whom I used to tolerate for pathological lies quickly turned into evil in my mind.
I actually stopped talking to some such friends altogether as quickly as they cut off my narcissistic supply and disrespected me in some fashion. I was already looking for an excuse to get away from them, and it was not difficult to find one anymore, they were sociopaths who were feeding of me.
I felt that after I was laid off their attitude started changing toward me. It was as if they now had a right to play power games with me, it was as if I was a part of their entourage just because I was in the social scenes with them more often and in their minds I was 'jobless' and in a lesser power state.
They tried to manipulate me sexually, which always is a big offense to me. I cut the chord once their mask came down this way. I don't sleep with people I call friends. I sleep with people I call lovers, at times too quickly but generally not quick enough for the other's needs. I am celibate now and won't sleep with anyone whom I don't want to see around after a year or so.
After eliminating a few friends with unacceptable levels of sociopathic traits from my close circles I started changing my attitude. Instead of seeing some people as a potential threat to my well-being I started seeing them as weak mortals who can have something to offer in the future. Plus what good would it do to me to cut the chord altogether. Instead this became a time management issue, and adding some white lies when necessary. I increased my sociopathic content while lowering my narcissistic traits. I like this better, for me and others.
In the process I also started to understand evil and good are all relative terms, and are often the inhabitants of the same physical body, lurking deep down waiting for the appropriate stimuli. It must have been the narcissist in me that brought out the worst in people, and as I control amount of time with different folks and as I let go some of my excessive sides or be honest and truthful about them my life seems to get better.
This understanding makes me like my dark side, which I did not even accept to exist till recently. I am not the type who actively preyed on the unsuspecting in the past. I chose to work like a spider in the sense that I did kill (metaphorically) anyone who approached my web thinking I am a prey. Now, I realize a spider is just unto prey like any other hunter; my only consolation is I only allowed people with bad/poor intentions to get close to my web and become my prey. Like the married couple who tried to get me in bed after years of calling me a friend. I won't talk about the sadness I brought upon them, but will say that they had no idea where it came from. They got shocked with my reaction more than they shocked me with their indecent proposal and disrespect. OK, I already did say I am a moral narcissist too, right? Not religious, but moral. To them this may have been one of wanting to share their love for me but the way they envisioned the sexual interaction was clear to communicate to me that they were into some power games, not a romantic interaction. Power is one supply I am not willing to lose.
This is hard to accept but I am a spider monster in disguise. I love power and perceive myself as very powerful. Does not matter whether I still have all my luxurious belongings one day or not, it is the personal power, the strength of character that I feed on. I am the most powerful when everyone I know and I are completely naked before people and before God. I am the most powerful when in nothing. I want to keep it that way.
In my effort to learn how to put on masks I learned to see others' masks much easier. I used to share every fun thing that happened in my life, never realizing this was only aggravating the losers and making me look quite narcissistic. In doing so I was only thinking that I was adding to their fun (not realizing their irritation with me) because I always fed on other peoples' happiness and fun.
No more thinking of others as just like me. I personally get nothing out of sharing my stories. So, I am becoming more and more private, and not telling anyone anything personal as best I can (except this Blog, of course).
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