Today I understood what living in the future might mean in my case. My sense of omnipotence has stocked on a whole pile of magazines and articles thinking I will read and write about them one day.
I am constantly thinking of what I could be doing tomorrow that I am surrounded by clutter that is quite depressing me.
My life needs to get simplified, clutter and psychological burden needs to get off my face, my home.
One plastic bag a day. That is tactically possible. I will be happy if I can get rid of one plastic bag a day full of something that was here for the future. Yes, that I can call a good effort towards living in the present.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Omnipotent narc
At times we all overestimate our capabilities, but a narcissist imagines he can have the whole world if he wanted to, and this feeling slowly presents more rewards living in an imaginary world. If he can focus and present his enthusiasm in a particular direction a narc can mobilize support very easily and quickly, think Hitler. But, it is typically easier to live in an imaginary world than focus on one direction and take on mundane tasks that are not really worth the narc's time, so an average narc slowly starts losing focus and gets buried more and more in an imaginary world, isolated from people.
That is where I am currently, in an isolated world. I always lived in a fantasy-like world but I was gainfully employed and was really enjoying the part of my job where I was contributing significantly to a group of people. Then I got laid off. There was a lot of injustice in that decision and I could not bring myself to apply for another position and go through a series of rejections while knowing I'd get one job if I wanted to, anyway. Who knows if that's true or not, hard to know when not trying. But, I lost nothing from my sense of omnipotence. For one thing I have saved well, and I have no debt. I see no reason for bothering myself to work for someone else at this point.
The question is shall I really let go of what made me somewhat happy for many years and is considered a very respectable career? I go back and forth on that question.
A part of me (being the omnipotent I am) wants to move onto financially greener and more fun pastures.
A part of me wants to become only spiritually focused and live the moment with no concern for the future.
A part of me wants a whole new group of people to interact with. Move away...
A part of me (being the omnipotent I am) wants to move onto financially greener and more fun pastures.
A part of me wants to become only spiritually focused and live the moment with no concern for the future.
A part of me wants a whole new group of people to interact with. Move away...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Degree of NPD
They say that people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder would
- Fear losing their identity.
- Fear dependency and avoid bonding.
- Create rigid personality boundaries (can't get close).
- Are sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.
- Lose interest in sex that leads to bonding.
- Seduce and withhold to avoid bonding.
- Minimize feelings that lead to bonding.
- Get nervous when things go well or bonding occurs.
- Pick fights and create uproars to avoid bonding.
- Want more space or have to run.
- Can't make a commitment.
- Are indifferent to others.
- Feel entitled to be taken care of their way.
- Won't put up with discomfort.
- Have complete control of the schedule.
- Say to their partner “Just stay put while I come and go.”
Based on this list I don't have NPD but I definitely show some of the traits: 1,2,3, 10, 11, 14, 15. I want to work on all of these, so then I should
- Not worry about losing my identity (as a professional? as a person?)
- Allow for mutual dependency (only in a way I would not risk my well-being, and in a way they would not get parasitically dependent over a certain period of time)
- Communicate my personality boundaries in a way that allows room for compromise
- (10) Work on sharing my space, and not run away as soon as it gets uncomfortable
- (11) Settle with my home and start working on making a commitment
- (14) Try to desensitize to discomfort (temperature, humidity, hunger, smoke, etc.)
- (15) Give people a chance to get me on their schedule, see if can go for equality here, I can always invite/schedule less so they can invite more.
Procrastination, clutter and mail
I procrastinate when a task is mandatory, mundane, boring, pointless, and about reporting to someone else.
I live alone, so I can have a little clutter around, but I hate the less than feng shui looks of a place. I like good views, good clean surroundings. When I allow clutter it does get out of hand sometimes, and I keep doing some other attractive things (including solving sudoku and letting my brain exercise) while frustrating myself in the back of my mind about the clutter and unopened mail.
I need to get better at daily nonsense tasks.
I live alone, so I can have a little clutter around, but I hate the less than feng shui looks of a place. I like good views, good clean surroundings. When I allow clutter it does get out of hand sometimes, and I keep doing some other attractive things (including solving sudoku and letting my brain exercise) while frustrating myself in the back of my mind about the clutter and unopened mail.
I need to get better at daily nonsense tasks.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Satan and God in the same body
Someone who recently wrote a book on psychopaths and the psychiatric health care industry says he started seeing everyone like a sociopath when he first started paying attention to this disorder. Indeed there are sociopathic traits in all of us in some dose.
When I first started reading about sociopaths not only I saw sociopaths in everyone, I also started questioning my own sociopathic sides and developed a minor case of paranoia about my friends. Anyone whom I used to tolerate for pathological lies quickly turned into evil in my mind.
I actually stopped talking to some such friends altogether as quickly as they cut off my narcissistic supply and disrespected me in some fashion. I was already looking for an excuse to get away from them, and it was not difficult to find one anymore, they were sociopaths who were feeding of me.
I felt that after I was laid off their attitude started changing toward me. It was as if they now had a right to play power games with me, it was as if I was a part of their entourage just because I was in the social scenes with them more often and in their minds I was 'jobless' and in a lesser power state.
They tried to manipulate me sexually, which always is a big offense to me. I cut the chord once their mask came down this way. I don't sleep with people I call friends. I sleep with people I call lovers, at times too quickly but generally not quick enough for the other's needs. I am celibate now and won't sleep with anyone whom I don't want to see around after a year or so.
After eliminating a few friends with unacceptable levels of sociopathic traits from my close circles I started changing my attitude. Instead of seeing some people as a potential threat to my well-being I started seeing them as weak mortals who can have something to offer in the future. Plus what good would it do to me to cut the chord altogether. Instead this became a time management issue, and adding some white lies when necessary. I increased my sociopathic content while lowering my narcissistic traits. I like this better, for me and others.
In the process I also started to understand evil and good are all relative terms, and are often the inhabitants of the same physical body, lurking deep down waiting for the appropriate stimuli. It must have been the narcissist in me that brought out the worst in people, and as I control amount of time with different folks and as I let go some of my excessive sides or be honest and truthful about them my life seems to get better.
This understanding makes me like my dark side, which I did not even accept to exist till recently. I am not the type who actively preyed on the unsuspecting in the past. I chose to work like a spider in the sense that I did kill (metaphorically) anyone who approached my web thinking I am a prey. Now, I realize a spider is just unto prey like any other hunter; my only consolation is I only allowed people with bad/poor intentions to get close to my web and become my prey. Like the married couple who tried to get me in bed after years of calling me a friend. I won't talk about the sadness I brought upon them, but will say that they had no idea where it came from. They got shocked with my reaction more than they shocked me with their indecent proposal and disrespect. OK, I already did say I am a moral narcissist too, right? Not religious, but moral. To them this may have been one of wanting to share their love for me but the way they envisioned the sexual interaction was clear to communicate to me that they were into some power games, not a romantic interaction. Power is one supply I am not willing to lose.
This is hard to accept but I am a spider monster in disguise. I love power and perceive myself as very powerful. Does not matter whether I still have all my luxurious belongings one day or not, it is the personal power, the strength of character that I feed on. I am the most powerful when everyone I know and I are completely naked before people and before God. I am the most powerful when in nothing. I want to keep it that way.
In my effort to learn how to put on masks I learned to see others' masks much easier. I used to share every fun thing that happened in my life, never realizing this was only aggravating the losers and making me look quite narcissistic. In doing so I was only thinking that I was adding to their fun (not realizing their irritation with me) because I always fed on other peoples' happiness and fun.
No more thinking of others as just like me. I personally get nothing out of sharing my stories. So, I am becoming more and more private, and not telling anyone anything personal as best I can (except this Blog, of course).
When I first started reading about sociopaths not only I saw sociopaths in everyone, I also started questioning my own sociopathic sides and developed a minor case of paranoia about my friends. Anyone whom I used to tolerate for pathological lies quickly turned into evil in my mind.
I actually stopped talking to some such friends altogether as quickly as they cut off my narcissistic supply and disrespected me in some fashion. I was already looking for an excuse to get away from them, and it was not difficult to find one anymore, they were sociopaths who were feeding of me.
I felt that after I was laid off their attitude started changing toward me. It was as if they now had a right to play power games with me, it was as if I was a part of their entourage just because I was in the social scenes with them more often and in their minds I was 'jobless' and in a lesser power state.
They tried to manipulate me sexually, which always is a big offense to me. I cut the chord once their mask came down this way. I don't sleep with people I call friends. I sleep with people I call lovers, at times too quickly but generally not quick enough for the other's needs. I am celibate now and won't sleep with anyone whom I don't want to see around after a year or so.
After eliminating a few friends with unacceptable levels of sociopathic traits from my close circles I started changing my attitude. Instead of seeing some people as a potential threat to my well-being I started seeing them as weak mortals who can have something to offer in the future. Plus what good would it do to me to cut the chord altogether. Instead this became a time management issue, and adding some white lies when necessary. I increased my sociopathic content while lowering my narcissistic traits. I like this better, for me and others.
In the process I also started to understand evil and good are all relative terms, and are often the inhabitants of the same physical body, lurking deep down waiting for the appropriate stimuli. It must have been the narcissist in me that brought out the worst in people, and as I control amount of time with different folks and as I let go some of my excessive sides or be honest and truthful about them my life seems to get better.
This understanding makes me like my dark side, which I did not even accept to exist till recently. I am not the type who actively preyed on the unsuspecting in the past. I chose to work like a spider in the sense that I did kill (metaphorically) anyone who approached my web thinking I am a prey. Now, I realize a spider is just unto prey like any other hunter; my only consolation is I only allowed people with bad/poor intentions to get close to my web and become my prey. Like the married couple who tried to get me in bed after years of calling me a friend. I won't talk about the sadness I brought upon them, but will say that they had no idea where it came from. They got shocked with my reaction more than they shocked me with their indecent proposal and disrespect. OK, I already did say I am a moral narcissist too, right? Not religious, but moral. To them this may have been one of wanting to share their love for me but the way they envisioned the sexual interaction was clear to communicate to me that they were into some power games, not a romantic interaction. Power is one supply I am not willing to lose.
This is hard to accept but I am a spider monster in disguise. I love power and perceive myself as very powerful. Does not matter whether I still have all my luxurious belongings one day or not, it is the personal power, the strength of character that I feed on. I am the most powerful when everyone I know and I are completely naked before people and before God. I am the most powerful when in nothing. I want to keep it that way.
In my effort to learn how to put on masks I learned to see others' masks much easier. I used to share every fun thing that happened in my life, never realizing this was only aggravating the losers and making me look quite narcissistic. In doing so I was only thinking that I was adding to their fun (not realizing their irritation with me) because I always fed on other peoples' happiness and fun.
No more thinking of others as just like me. I personally get nothing out of sharing my stories. So, I am becoming more and more private, and not telling anyone anything personal as best I can (except this Blog, of course).
Greedy mind starving heart
Sometimes it is as if I want to scream and beg to people to try to make me understand. It's as if they are not in touch with themselves enough to express their point, no insight on their part.
But, then I look at myself, and realize I am such a big puzzle myself and how could they understand me when I am working so hard to understand myself. I let go of all need to be understood, or for them to empathize with me.
The need to understand everything may actually be my biggest enemy. I should ease up on excessive thinking.
My mind is hungry all the time. It is like The Little Shop of Horrors in there, my brain is getting bigger and bigger at the expense of my heart. I have given so much weight, importance, priority to my mind that I have left my poor heart (and others') broken in the process. In my efforts to create brain connections my heart has completely failed to make a connection, and then I have disqualified the relationships knowing my heart is not connected. Another disqualifier was 'I'm not learning anything from this person.' As they say the teacher shows up when the student is ready, I guess I was never ready as a student but always present as a teacher. Ouch. Who likes preachers and teachers in real life!
I woke up with a slight sense of anxiety, little palpitations in my heart, and finally I realized why this happens to me for no good reason. My heart's peace is broken, because my heart knows that perpetual thinking of the day is about to start. (added in Dec 2011, it has been a long time since this stopped happening, I wake up with complete peace now).
Once with a date walking on the beach I was told 'please stop thinking, I can hear your mind working.' That was a somatic narcissist speaking to me, me being the relatively intelligent one in my perception. My date was the most attractive of all my dates but I could not see where this relationship could possibly go and my heart and brain were closed to him.
I heard what was said but I enjoyed hearing it knowing my heart was closed to my date anyway, my interest was only physical and only there because we had met while both of us were on vacation. This date would not have taken place had we been living in the same town. My friends used to joke that the number one rule for dating for me was to be on vacation, sure there is some truth in there, but I really wish to have a long term relationship now.
Watched some Buddhist monks last night. Lately I seem to be preferring movies about mind control and how human body works. Anyhow, the monks were effective at stopping their brain from thinking, and just living and experiencing the moment by simply (funny to say this knowing how tough it is) keeping all their focus on breathing. A bit too passive for my taste but I want to give that a shot. These will be the moments I take control of my brain, starve it momentarily and feed my heart. Train my brain to stay on the happy sphere.
But, then I look at myself, and realize I am such a big puzzle myself and how could they understand me when I am working so hard to understand myself. I let go of all need to be understood, or for them to empathize with me.
The need to understand everything may actually be my biggest enemy. I should ease up on excessive thinking.
My mind is hungry all the time. It is like The Little Shop of Horrors in there, my brain is getting bigger and bigger at the expense of my heart. I have given so much weight, importance, priority to my mind that I have left my poor heart (and others') broken in the process. In my efforts to create brain connections my heart has completely failed to make a connection, and then I have disqualified the relationships knowing my heart is not connected. Another disqualifier was 'I'm not learning anything from this person.' As they say the teacher shows up when the student is ready, I guess I was never ready as a student but always present as a teacher. Ouch. Who likes preachers and teachers in real life!
I woke up with a slight sense of anxiety, little palpitations in my heart, and finally I realized why this happens to me for no good reason. My heart's peace is broken, because my heart knows that perpetual thinking of the day is about to start. (added in Dec 2011, it has been a long time since this stopped happening, I wake up with complete peace now).
Once with a date walking on the beach I was told 'please stop thinking, I can hear your mind working.' That was a somatic narcissist speaking to me, me being the relatively intelligent one in my perception. My date was the most attractive of all my dates but I could not see where this relationship could possibly go and my heart and brain were closed to him.
I heard what was said but I enjoyed hearing it knowing my heart was closed to my date anyway, my interest was only physical and only there because we had met while both of us were on vacation. This date would not have taken place had we been living in the same town. My friends used to joke that the number one rule for dating for me was to be on vacation, sure there is some truth in there, but I really wish to have a long term relationship now.
Watched some Buddhist monks last night. Lately I seem to be preferring movies about mind control and how human body works. Anyhow, the monks were effective at stopping their brain from thinking, and just living and experiencing the moment by simply (funny to say this knowing how tough it is) keeping all their focus on breathing. A bit too passive for my taste but I want to give that a shot. These will be the moments I take control of my brain, starve it momentarily and feed my heart. Train my brain to stay on the happy sphere.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Grace of losing and reaching 'nothing'
I watched the movie Ten Tiny Love Stories. It is a monologue by ten women, where the writer and the director is the same person, a man.
What number ten said put my newly developing thoughts as a reforming narcissist into a great perspective. I want to reach nothing (in terms of controlling relationships) before rebirth and want to do that mentally, without losing all my assets and existing relationships. Reaching nothing means acceptance, grace for what you have instead of constantly deliberating in your mind what lacks.
Here are the memorable lines from number 10 in the movie, three years after her husband, Roy, dies after falling off a roof (after seventeen years of marriage, no children):
"My family was anchor, Roy gave me roots and he gave me wings. Taught me to build a bridge between my dreams and who I am. That's why most people never find love, because their dreams get in the way. Love is about acceptance, it's about settling. Settling is the real triumph of love... real love means loving 'despite ....'
Things wash away and what's left is a sense of peacefulness, and the feeling that we're all alone. And, that's OK, and that's a relief too. It's a relief to know that the wind will blow us away leaving nothing, not even a trace. It's good to be nothing, and it's good to have nothing.
If only we wanted nothing while we were here."
What number ten said put my newly developing thoughts as a reforming narcissist into a great perspective. I want to reach nothing (in terms of controlling relationships) before rebirth and want to do that mentally, without losing all my assets and existing relationships. Reaching nothing means acceptance, grace for what you have instead of constantly deliberating in your mind what lacks.
Here are the memorable lines from number 10 in the movie, three years after her husband, Roy, dies after falling off a roof (after seventeen years of marriage, no children):
"My family was anchor, Roy gave me roots and he gave me wings. Taught me to build a bridge between my dreams and who I am. That's why most people never find love, because their dreams get in the way. Love is about acceptance, it's about settling. Settling is the real triumph of love... real love means loving 'despite ....'
Things wash away and what's left is a sense of peacefulness, and the feeling that we're all alone. And, that's OK, and that's a relief too. It's a relief to know that the wind will blow us away leaving nothing, not even a trace. It's good to be nothing, and it's good to have nothing.
If only we wanted nothing while we were here."
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