When I was a kid I thought I had the prettiest and the nicest mother of all and the smartest and the cruelest father of all. This was never an explicit understanding or a belief but it was engrained in me due to the way my mother kept reiterating the events the way she saw it. To this day she does that and it is quite amusing when she reinterprets what I also have witnessed. She is a borderline, and at times malignantly narcissistic. My mom was a home maker and had a lot of access to us. My dad never told his side of the stories, he was the bread winner working long hours.
My mother constantly pointed out to how she was the nicest. When my friends stopped by they quickly realized what a lovely mother I had, she always smiled, she always gave them something to eat. But, after they left she steadily pointed out to how poorly they were dressed, how their own mothers failed to take care of them, how great a mother mine was but not theirs. As you read these, please note that as a child I had no clear awareness of this, I was not aware of any of this, I just saw an angel of a mother (what she presented) and myself as a guilty child was never good enough for this mother (at this age she still tries to make me feel guilty but I don't let her anymore. Slowly she is learning to not even try.)
My mother was constantly comparing all her children. One was smart (S), the other pretty (P), and the other good (G). Just today she repeated how S is just like her brainiac/smart grandchild and she does not ever remember P or G being that way. I heard her say "I don't get it. S never studied as hard as G, yet always got the best grade in the class."
She makes her comparisons in a very caring tone, not in a scolding one. So, the message that was laid out may appear to be by an angel. She ignores the hours S used to put in to studying while the rest of the family busy in their own world.
The impact of this type of separation of the siblings by mere comparison made by the mother was huge. S, positioned as the superior one, always felt guilty toward P and G, and both P and G were competitive and hostile towards S at every weak moment. For example, when S appeared hurt and introspective, G would say 'So, you are not as cheery as your usual self, huh?' The tone was not just unpleasant, but more of showing G's happiness that S was not at the top as usual self.
My siblings and I were categorized by mom and dad as one smart evil S and two good/pretty stupids. Mom appreciated only one of these groups and dad the other. These two so-called adults then played their children to their won liking, using them to fuel their own power-hungry games.
Narcissitic parents favor a group of children over another. My mom and dad created an amazingly disjoint class of people at home. One group had the looks, the other the brains. One had no emotions the other full of compassion. One was idiots and the other ruled the world. One was full of fears and the other fearless. The group dynamics, kept changing but divisions did exist.
P seemed to have good looks and the street smarts but excessive fears. P witnessed dad's rages against mother at a young age, when unable to reason the causes of the rages. With her passive aggressive ways mother can be blamed for the lion's share of the responsibility of the abuses she was falling victim to. She would start a fight based on a minor jealousy, which was to her a big offense. My mother was a purely somatic and quite an evil little narcissist. So, if dad helped his cousin to put on her coat that would lead to an argument at home for the attention was on another female not at my mom at every moment. Could well be an extension of the fact that her own father had had a relationship with a friend of her mother.
My parents would fight with words and then go into separate rooms. But, ten minutes later one would get back to where the other is with new ammunition and start stabbing with words. This would go on till mom finally figured out a way to push dad into rage and to lose it all together and start hitting her. After a few of these episodes it was clear that my mom could not be stopped talking and my dad started going into rage faster with her. And, P witnessed these later episodes when the rage came down very quickly, appearing to have no reason whatsoever. I used to hide out in my room, shivering and feeling further guilty for I thought mother should learn to fight fair or to prevent fighting instead of getting physically hurt. To her, getting beaten was the proof that dad was evil and mom an angel; so these beatings made great stories to tell everyone: her parents, cab drivers, her neighbors, her children, his relatives; his professional friends, you name it--except the police.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
When a narc loves
It saddens me deeply that I did not know how to love for so long. I crushed so many hearts, including my own, over and over again.
When I loved I saw my lover (ML) as my extension. When I was busy ML was not the priority. When ML failed to do things efficiently I just took over and did myself. I handled everything so everything was the way I wanted it to be. I had no room for allowing ML to make mistakes. I was not flexible, I was not willing to relax and follow.
I married my first love at a very young age. Within three years both I and my ex-spouse (MES) showed signs of deep unhappiness. I could not grasp why I was failing to make MES happy but at least I was able to see that it was in MES' best interest for the relationship to dissolve (I actually was convinced that I was doing this more for him than me, but that just is not true. MES was not providing any narcissistic supply, not-working/not-loving but keeping on expecting, becoming parasitic). I could not, however, do that until I stayed in the relationship three more years and let MES start insulting me, hurting me over and over again, till I had no love remaining, till my idealization was over, and till I was dead sure I was better off without MES and MES was not worth my precious ever-giving (?) love.
I did see a therapist after my divorce. Having heard it all from my point the therapist told me I made the right decision and saw no need to continue our meetings after only three visits. The therapist failed to see or hint to any possibility of narcissism in me, or challenge me in some ways to at least start some questioning of myself to fix some deeply rooted expectations. Had he done his job then I probably would have started another marriage by now. Instead, I still am trying to come to some grips with how is it even possible for me to take another shot at a union.
At the time of divorce I decided to never get married again. I thought others would always eventually be unhappy around me because I was physically, mentally, spiritually superior. I saw no fault in me.
I want to live a life of wisdom and true love, a life of give and take, a life of protecting myself but not at the expense of hurting others emotionally and not by adjusting my distance. I do feel a deep sense of love for humanity, fauna, and flora. Until I figure out a way how to love without any fear of abandonment, without any fear of hurt I will remain celibate.
I realize the only way to truly learn this is to practice it with my parents and siblings, and I intend to do so. From now on I will interact with them truthfully and with kindness, or with confrontation if that's what the truth requires, particularly because ours is one of a narcissistic family.
When I loved I saw my lover (ML) as my extension. When I was busy ML was not the priority. When ML failed to do things efficiently I just took over and did myself. I handled everything so everything was the way I wanted it to be. I had no room for allowing ML to make mistakes. I was not flexible, I was not willing to relax and follow.
I married my first love at a very young age. Within three years both I and my ex-spouse (MES) showed signs of deep unhappiness. I could not grasp why I was failing to make MES happy but at least I was able to see that it was in MES' best interest for the relationship to dissolve (I actually was convinced that I was doing this more for him than me, but that just is not true. MES was not providing any narcissistic supply, not-working/not-loving but keeping on expecting, becoming parasitic). I could not, however, do that until I stayed in the relationship three more years and let MES start insulting me, hurting me over and over again, till I had no love remaining, till my idealization was over, and till I was dead sure I was better off without MES and MES was not worth my precious ever-giving (?) love.
I did see a therapist after my divorce. Having heard it all from my point the therapist told me I made the right decision and saw no need to continue our meetings after only three visits. The therapist failed to see or hint to any possibility of narcissism in me, or challenge me in some ways to at least start some questioning of myself to fix some deeply rooted expectations. Had he done his job then I probably would have started another marriage by now. Instead, I still am trying to come to some grips with how is it even possible for me to take another shot at a union.
At the time of divorce I decided to never get married again. I thought others would always eventually be unhappy around me because I was physically, mentally, spiritually superior. I saw no fault in me.
My attitude remained the same in the following two relationships but the duration of the relationships started getting shorter, because I was realizing the initial rush was good and intimacy was hard and pretty much invaluable. Second relationship was five years and the third two years. I was constantly in a giving mode (in my mind), but in the effort taking all control, all confidence away from my lovers. Not letting MLs love me freely. I was not receiving love, I was shut off, not listening, too busy trying to control the relationships. I am so ashamed. I was more into 'my relationship' than 'my lover.'
After the third I decided they all would eventually be filled with envy and start hurting me, and I would need to dump them and hurt them in the process. So, to protect the good people from this process I started choosing people who had no interest in a long term relationship. I also started getting out of these relationships as soon as the lust started to dissipate, as soon as I got bored, or as soon as their sexuality started diminishing. In this sort of decision making process I ended up getting associated with people who had sociopathic traits. Dumping them never made me feel guilty, I saw them as noncaring people, and I enjoyed the hard work both romantically and sexually a sociopath puts into a relationship. Here I use the term sociopath somewhat losely, pretty much anyone who had some expectations and were approaching with a gaming attitude, some glib person, some charmer.
All my sexual interactions went in forms of idealization followed by devaluation shortly after they started, and over time they got shorter and shorter, leading to none. I have had no relationship in the last two years. I was shut off with the way I dress and with the amount of time I spend indoors, trying to understand how it all got so out of whack. I now feel I am ready to come out in the world and see human beings (including me) with a more accepting eye and as source of truth as opposed to my narcissistic supply.
I want to live a life of wisdom and true love, a life of give and take, a life of protecting myself but not at the expense of hurting others emotionally and not by adjusting my distance. I do feel a deep sense of love for humanity, fauna, and flora. Until I figure out a way how to love without any fear of abandonment, without any fear of hurt I will remain celibate.
I realize the only way to truly learn this is to practice it with my parents and siblings, and I intend to do so. From now on I will interact with them truthfully and with kindness, or with confrontation if that's what the truth requires, particularly because ours is one of a narcissistic family.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
In love with objects... Let it go, starting with plant seeds
There is something special about growing plants from seeds. A basket of seeds has been around in my home since 2008. I finally accept that this was an assignment to the self that I will not get around to dealing with anytime soon. The seeds need to go and reduce the clutter in my home. Life needs to be simplified.
I seem attached to the seeds; they were a symbol of love for me, and I can't let go easily. The literature says narcissists assign high value to objects, indeed I do, but not to what public considers of high value but to what I consider of high value.
Once I buy something and bring it home it's as if we're connected for the rest of our lives. But, this is for as long as the object has a promise of potential future use. One little chip in a corner of a plate, and I either paint that corner or throw it away. But, I don't throw away at the rate that I buy, so stuff piles up. As part of my healing right now I am committed to having less objects and more feng shui.
The next question is how to get rid of the seeds. Just dump in garbage or find someone who could actually enjoy planting them. I think of one group where someone may be interested but I really don't want to be around these people anytime soon. I am also not sure if the seeds would work after three years.
So, off the seeds go, straight to the garbage.
I seem attached to the seeds; they were a symbol of love for me, and I can't let go easily. The literature says narcissists assign high value to objects, indeed I do, but not to what public considers of high value but to what I consider of high value.
Once I buy something and bring it home it's as if we're connected for the rest of our lives. But, this is for as long as the object has a promise of potential future use. One little chip in a corner of a plate, and I either paint that corner or throw it away. But, I don't throw away at the rate that I buy, so stuff piles up. As part of my healing right now I am committed to having less objects and more feng shui.
The next question is how to get rid of the seeds. Just dump in garbage or find someone who could actually enjoy planting them. I think of one group where someone may be interested but I really don't want to be around these people anytime soon. I am also not sure if the seeds would work after three years.
So, off the seeds go, straight to the garbage.
Types of narcissists
Narcissists can be benevolent or malignant. I am not a malignant person, I know that, but I still am good at destroying what I perceive to be a threat. I have learned not to miss, not to look back as I eliminated the people who were sources of threat, but that just is not right. I see that now. It is very important to protect the self but it is equally important to be a better judge of what one perceives as threat. Often I was too quick, too arrogant. I am ashamed as I recall some of my actions. I wish someone taught me a little bit of politics. I have often been brutally honest, blunt, hurtful. That should not have been my truth.
Narcissists feed on narcissistic supply. According to literature these are sources who make one feel superior either physically (somatic narc), or mentally (cerebral narc). I would like to add to this list a third type, a spiritually superior one (moral narc).
I am a combo narcissist who targets all three dimensions (body, mind, soul) simultaneously, and quite possibly due to that I have a sense of wanting to be a better, a balanced narcissist who tops others under the combined criteria of body, mind, soul. This balance is not only achieved in improving in one dimension but also letting go of some efforts in trying to achieve superiority in another. This strategy is particularly useful in life as one gets older and turns to spirituality more as the body loses its attractiveness.
It is perfectly normal to want to improve the self in all three dimensions: physically, mentally, and spiritually. It becomes a disorder when one develops a superiority complex using his or her accomplishments in these arenas and starts bragging to others and causing others to want to disengage, or evaluating others as never good enough to interact with; this is how the self separates from normal people, consciously or not. I am very bad at dealing with weak people in any form their weakness manifests itself: stupid, sick, wounded, etc. I am highly sensitive and their state gives me the creeps because I would not know how to deal with myself if I were in their shoes. Their misfortune is far too strong, and I react very strongly. I used to think this is because I am an ultra emphatic person, that I was internalizing their pain, but I am not so sure anymore if it is the pain or the thought of losing power that I am reacting to. I just don't like stupid, sick, and weak, and I am now training myself to not overreact by telling myself that this is their story not mine, they are not my extensions, and they could be very happy with what they have, so I should cut this whole avoidance of them (by the way I scored at 46% for that compared to the general SimilarMinds.com Personality Disorder Test takers' 39%). I also scored 46% compared to general test takers' 40% in Obsessive-Compulsive traits and that surprised me. I don't see myself as an obsessive-compulsive person, at least not in comparison to my family members,
A narcissist ends up living surrounded by people who are inferior in the dimension of the narcissist's chosen superiority; if cerebral he is the smartest of his circle, if somatic he is the best looking, if moral he is the highest in spirituality or religion. I guess this is because the smarter ones, the prettier ones, and the spiritually higher ones leave without a trace seeing the degree of narcissism in place. I want to see smart people around me, so it is indeed in my best interest to not piss off the smart people by upping them (or trying to up them) all that time. I admit that I treat the parasitic noncontenders better than potentially more valued people and hence end up losing my energies to the parasitic manipulative sociopathic people. Instead I want to become the one who is more sociopathic, and not let my narcissistic tendencies get the best of me.
A narcissist ends up becoming a sociopath target because it is very easy to manipulate a narcissist by complimenting appropriately. Sociopaths can stay around longer than normal people because they don't care in those situations where the narcissist would normally get on normal people's nerves. The relationship ends when sociopath realizes narcissist won't give him what he wants or when sociopath cuts the narcissistic supply.
Narcissist eventually ends up alone, keeps dreaming of finding someone just like himself or herself. I am still at this stage, but I want to be ready to take in by the time I find someone who is worthy or getting involved.
Narcissists feed on narcissistic supply. According to literature these are sources who make one feel superior either physically (somatic narc), or mentally (cerebral narc). I would like to add to this list a third type, a spiritually superior one (moral narc).
I am a combo narcissist who targets all three dimensions (body, mind, soul) simultaneously, and quite possibly due to that I have a sense of wanting to be a better, a balanced narcissist who tops others under the combined criteria of body, mind, soul. This balance is not only achieved in improving in one dimension but also letting go of some efforts in trying to achieve superiority in another. This strategy is particularly useful in life as one gets older and turns to spirituality more as the body loses its attractiveness.
It is perfectly normal to want to improve the self in all three dimensions: physically, mentally, and spiritually. It becomes a disorder when one develops a superiority complex using his or her accomplishments in these arenas and starts bragging to others and causing others to want to disengage, or evaluating others as never good enough to interact with; this is how the self separates from normal people, consciously or not. I am very bad at dealing with weak people in any form their weakness manifests itself: stupid, sick, wounded, etc. I am highly sensitive and their state gives me the creeps because I would not know how to deal with myself if I were in their shoes. Their misfortune is far too strong, and I react very strongly. I used to think this is because I am an ultra emphatic person, that I was internalizing their pain, but I am not so sure anymore if it is the pain or the thought of losing power that I am reacting to. I just don't like stupid, sick, and weak, and I am now training myself to not overreact by telling myself that this is their story not mine, they are not my extensions, and they could be very happy with what they have, so I should cut this whole avoidance of them (by the way I scored at 46% for that compared to the general SimilarMinds.com Personality Disorder Test takers' 39%). I also scored 46% compared to general test takers' 40% in Obsessive-Compulsive traits and that surprised me. I don't see myself as an obsessive-compulsive person, at least not in comparison to my family members,
A narcissist ends up living surrounded by people who are inferior in the dimension of the narcissist's chosen superiority; if cerebral he is the smartest of his circle, if somatic he is the best looking, if moral he is the highest in spirituality or religion. I guess this is because the smarter ones, the prettier ones, and the spiritually higher ones leave without a trace seeing the degree of narcissism in place. I want to see smart people around me, so it is indeed in my best interest to not piss off the smart people by upping them (or trying to up them) all that time. I admit that I treat the parasitic noncontenders better than potentially more valued people and hence end up losing my energies to the parasitic manipulative sociopathic people. Instead I want to become the one who is more sociopathic, and not let my narcissistic tendencies get the best of me.
A narcissist ends up becoming a sociopath target because it is very easy to manipulate a narcissist by complimenting appropriately. Sociopaths can stay around longer than normal people because they don't care in those situations where the narcissist would normally get on normal people's nerves. The relationship ends when sociopath realizes narcissist won't give him what he wants or when sociopath cuts the narcissistic supply.
Narcissist eventually ends up alone, keeps dreaming of finding someone just like himself or herself. I am still at this stage, but I want to be ready to take in by the time I find someone who is worthy or getting involved.
I'm at 62% for narcissistic, antisocial, and schizoid traits
The literature says it is very hard to accept that you are a narcissist. I have not been diagnosed with NPD-narcissistic personality disorder by a professional. I do, however, see significant narcissist traits in myself. I took the Personality Disorder test at SimilarMinds.com, and I've scored at 62% on each of the following traits: narcissistic, antisocial, and schizoid, compared to the average test scores of 41%, 47%, and 53%, respectively. Schizoid is not really something that I need to correct, that is a nonissue for me. It is that antisocial and narcissistic sides of mine that are actually very well-masked that are giving me cause to fail some of my interactions that take away from my own general well-being. I intend to eliminate my narcissistic traits, or at least better mask them when around people whom I don't like.
I tested significantly lower than the general test takers in paranoid (30% as opposed to their $49%), in borderline (18% as opposed to 47%), and dependent (14% as opposed to 37%). Because I have pretty much no fear my narcissistic tendencies tend to crash people who are less than acceptable under my expectations from humanity (pathological liars, stupid and yet arrogant people, evil personalities, etc.) I sometimes (well, pretty often) treat such people very badly only because they impacted other folks negatively and had no dent in my life. In this sort of unnecessary hero-esque attitude I actually cause self-damage, which is not rational if we are to assume I should put myself ahead of humanity. I have been a narcissistic watch dog for humanity and I have cut myself and other human beings short in the process. I now want to change that, and only way to do it is to learn to become selfish, or replace the number one as the self as opposed to the imaginary self, or the humane ideal. Once I can do that, I have the feeling I can project the same sort of caring to other human beings, especially those who can do something for me.
I am committed to die as my best self one day. This involves continuously improving, making my life and my loved ones' lives better not only in a practical sense but also in a spiritual, truth seeking sense, but this also involves gathering enough earthly goodies along the process.
The literature says that a narcissist does not want to change, happy to remain as self. Maybe I am a high functioning narcissist; I do want to change. I do want to nurture my soul steadily in the best ways possible. Maybe this is the way I get my highest narcissistic supply, becoming the best available to my SELF.
While it is important to set a vision it is even more important to set ways of achieving that vision and even more importantly staying committed to that vision. I will keep doing little things to serve my vision every day, and will keep posting them. If I can only inspire one more person to join me on this path of becoming a better person for the self (and yes, for also humanity) I'll be happy.
I tested significantly lower than the general test takers in paranoid (30% as opposed to their $49%), in borderline (18% as opposed to 47%), and dependent (14% as opposed to 37%). Because I have pretty much no fear my narcissistic tendencies tend to crash people who are less than acceptable under my expectations from humanity (pathological liars, stupid and yet arrogant people, evil personalities, etc.) I sometimes (well, pretty often) treat such people very badly only because they impacted other folks negatively and had no dent in my life. In this sort of unnecessary hero-esque attitude I actually cause self-damage, which is not rational if we are to assume I should put myself ahead of humanity. I have been a narcissistic watch dog for humanity and I have cut myself and other human beings short in the process. I now want to change that, and only way to do it is to learn to become selfish, or replace the number one as the self as opposed to the imaginary self, or the humane ideal. Once I can do that, I have the feeling I can project the same sort of caring to other human beings, especially those who can do something for me.
I am committed to die as my best self one day. This involves continuously improving, making my life and my loved ones' lives better not only in a practical sense but also in a spiritual, truth seeking sense, but this also involves gathering enough earthly goodies along the process.
The literature says that a narcissist does not want to change, happy to remain as self. Maybe I am a high functioning narcissist; I do want to change. I do want to nurture my soul steadily in the best ways possible. Maybe this is the way I get my highest narcissistic supply, becoming the best available to my SELF.
While it is important to set a vision it is even more important to set ways of achieving that vision and even more importantly staying committed to that vision. I will keep doing little things to serve my vision every day, and will keep posting them. If I can only inspire one more person to join me on this path of becoming a better person for the self (and yes, for also humanity) I'll be happy.
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